Unknown Realities

After my blog yesterday I started thinking about what the real difference between able bodied and the disabled. The perception of reality is the main difference we seem to see the world in two different ways.  Be fore I was disabled I remember to me everything in the world seemed to bother me where would I work what would I do what did I want.

But since I have become disabled everything changed and I can honestly say I am happier which seems weird because I have so much less to be happy with. But what made me this way is the fact that all my old realities were torn down. As my body failed and I had to rewrite who I was all my old worries seemed trivial.

I fight the pain every morning from when I wake I fight to get from A to B even  the tiniest thing like getting up a set of stairs is now a challenge. Do not get me wrong I as many other disabled persons do get dark days and they are darker than you can imagine. Its when the darkness grips your very soul and drags you to a place where no light can go. most of us can drag our selves out of this and back to true reality but sadly there will always be some who cant those empty faces you see in nursing homes or the asylums wards. We would not be human if we didnt have chance for darkness to creep in.

The main difference is the way we perceive others and how they effect us. Before this i used to want to be liked I wanted women to fall for me and for me to be able to get anything I want. But now I have watched loads of so called friends vanish from my life the women who once enjoyed flirting round me has vanished even the big job offers have faded into history. Any one who says being disabled wont change anything must be able bodied or talking rubbish.

But it changes things for the better not the worse. The friends that stay are your real Friends the women who want you to date them are the real thing. If they can look past the disability and see whats inside then they are real. Job offers are the same as well if they willing to employ you as a disabled person then they are taking the risk on you and I found every employee I have had since disability has been good to me.

Your asking your self what is the reason of my blog today its simple the fact is being disabled is not a bad thing it gives you a new perception and all the illusions that the able body persons have we do not. We get to see things in a new way our wants and desires change.

A chair is a physical prison but mentally it can be a unknown or unwanted new form of freedom.

So If your Newly disabled just remember this isn’t the end of your life its the beginning of a new ans possibly better life.

 

RAINY DAY BLUES

I woke this morning as the agony racked my bones and in a pre painkiller condition I laid there not daring to move my legs as I reached out to take my pain killers. I know some of you against the continual use of pain killer from the private emails I know you think there addictive or long term is harmful. Try waking in agony every day of your life then see if side effects matter to you.

Out side I could hear the rain beating against the window and all I could think of was oh god rain again. To an able bodied person rain is not to much of an issue but to us wheel chair users who are no longer allowed to drive major issues.

I had to go grab some shopping which I did and most of you think well use the bus WRONG the busses only have one space for a wheel chair and you can wait six or seven busses to get on. All through the journey you get mothers winging because other mothers couldn’t get on with buggy’s because of you. Is that our fault NO.

But rainy days because of the one chair policy forget the busses. Then you have taxis that charge double for wheel chairs but if an able body person takes one its half the price. Is this exploit the ones who got no choice. Town and back in a taxi is around thirty six bound able bodied can get both ways for less than fifteen. So we ruled out busses and taxis are expensive.

Im lucky I have a mobility scooter that is road worth but in the bad rain it not to safe but what other choice Have I if I tried wheel in the three miles as I have done a few times before I would end up more soaked to the bone and catch another bug that if like last time is to go by can be near fatal.

Water proofing on scooter heavy jacket for top half and off we go I thought about water proofs but really trying get them on and of my legs is a near impossible act unless someone there to help. Does anyone fancy having sit in water proofs all day.

So now i am stuck 20 min drive in the pouring rain yes a pleasant journey and fun but should I have had to risk the wet and cold. If the buss company made room for one or two more chairs then six or seven bus wait wouldn’t of been necessary.

You speak to bus company and they say oh you can take scooter on bus Yea Right what a laugh. Nearly every driver I have tried too get on there bus with a scooter says sorry I dont allow scooter you point out to them reading busses says you can the reply is until i am told its a no. You tell reading busses and they say they will sort it and do they ever sort it no they dont.

Its nearly as bad as reading borough council and pavements last year I came out chair because bad pavement reported it and it was sorry nothing we can do we dont own land yet through research I have found they have the ability to enforce safety but they choose not to because of the cost. They rather let us get injured or worse then spend a few pound to enforce the rules. I got an able bodied person to look at the pavement in question on basinstoke road out side a shopping present and they were shocked put holes that a chair would get stuck in everywhere so much for disable safety.

Some of you may thing all I do is complain but the truth is I only give the truth and I hate the thought of other suffering for no need. It seems like money is important and as I put in the past we are third class so why do we matter. But on a plus I got praise Morrison and sainsburys stores they are totally helpful and go above and beyond to help disabled. If they see you trying get something of shelf they will stop where there doing and come and help even offer to help pack your bags. Not like asda who’s staff look at you and carry on chatting or act like you dont exist or dirt on their feet. Asda has the worse customer care for the disabled I know in reading followed by tesco who I can honestly say both lost my custom. Claus orison in reading town centre the assistants are fantastic but the male supervisor well lets just say the other week I saw him reduce a girl sales assistant to tears. I have never seen such a display of bad staff management in my life as well as there lay out in the store in a scooter or chair things are lain out and many times I get stuck in a isle or cant get what I want because supervisors hasn’t but things in a way so that the disable cant get past. Ironically the female supervisors in the store are helpful friendly and try to do there best for you the complete reverse of the males.

So I am left to ask is this a male thing and guess what that male supervisor in the store looks like he wasn’t punished and was still there going on about his usual business. So much for their abuse policies as most places I know reducing a member of staff to tears would be an instant dismiss offence in that store it seems a let forgive and forget policy. If your disabled and got no choice shop there but deal with the female staff members or should I say older female members as the young ones can be to busy flirting with the males in the store of gossiping.

So that my blog for today and I will be back again latter or tomorrow have a good day……

Do I Matter

Its 540 in the morning Im woken yet again by the pain and sitting here thinking about things. I found yesterday was an interesting day I sat in Nero’s the coffee house in reading sipping my coffee when I noticed a few customers I looked at avoiding my look. I have seen this a few times since my legs started to fail but never really paid to much attention to it. But I sit here now asking myself am I a freak or deformed have I got a dreaded disease that they scared of catching or my be they think i am a serial killer and hunting them.

The truth is none of the above I am a happy well adjusted male or as well adjusted as anyone can be. The problem does not lay with me but rather there perception of me. You hear the saying disabled are normal as well ascare in the community and all the spin. But then it was only 50 years or so ago we were locked in hospitals, homes or hidden from sight and us having kids was an unthinkable sin.

Can I or any one really be surprised that even in this day and age that the old discrimination and feelings are still there like they are wired into our genetics. I wheel down the road in my scooter and chair and still get kids calling names out the car windows or on the street and do there parents correct them no. Some times you actually here the parents laughing at kids comments.

I am a published author I served a short term in the British military and I have a reputable job. Before the legs started to fail I even worked in a hospital helping others and now i find that none of this matters and a minor infliction denotes who I am.

Is it not time that the world see past all this preconception and let past views die and realise that us disabled members of society do lead productive lives. Judges politicians and many other walks of life we strive to lead lives same as able bodied in fact in america they once had a president who was in a chair.

Criminals who commit crimes have an easier life and accepted more into society than us. Yet we have done no wrong other than ending up this way and for most of us it not our fault its fate playing its game on us.

So I say to all able bodied persons think and see the human who is really there because one day it could be you in the chair or lose part of you and how would you want to be seen.

See whats in front of your eyes not what society has programmed into you…

 

Sundays blues

I do not know what you normal person’s do on your Sunday but here an brief description of my usual Sunday. Wake up at six am pain running through my body soaked with sweat where the pain had gripped me in my sleep to the point it wakes me up this time.

I roll over to my bed side cabinet praying i remembered to put pain killers there and they not empty. Yes there their at last I know can get a light relief from the pain. I call out for help waking my son knowing how unfair it is but what choice have I I know without his help I am trapped there and helpless. Image forty five and helpless. It only seems like yesterday I was backpacking across the alp or watching the sun rise in different desserts and now I cant even get out of bed on my own each day.

It seems so unfair that after all I done in my life i am now sentenced to this. Watching my own body be my prison and wither and fade on me. Trapping who i am inside. Each day I wonder how much more I will lose will my hands arms even neck join the fight against me will I eventually be only a brain in a shell.

My son get my outfit ready then help me till i am washed and dressed then theirs the dreaded stairs to face. It was only yesterday that I laid at the bottom of them unconscious for three hours. I decided to take them alone and as no one was here to watch me the worse decided to happen. How can I have anyone here the system took away the way I got support and as yet its still to return.

i look at the scars on my hands from other accidents over the last year all this because of that person who for a job lied and left me and those I care about to suffer. I know I should not but I so wish one day that person is the same as me and get treated as she treats us.

Slowly he guides me down stair watches my every jerky movement ready to step in like he was watching a child take his first step[ fifteen minutes to walk down one flight of stairs. Perspiration running down my face every step like fire running through my body.  Its times like this I am thankful for my wheel chair so at least in that I am safe and pain is bearable.

Some look at a wheel chair and see disability and hard ship  to be honest when i look at one I see hope and freedom. My wheel chair is not an adversity it is a godsend and frees me from this curse of these four walls.

Today sons at work and I am alone apart from my pups my drinks on the table and the remote and my keyboard accessible. I know apart from these words on this screen I am alone and the world moves on and i am trapped in this prison. My chair sat there unable to move it to leave the house so here i must stay till some kind soul grants me the freedom to go out side and feel the wind and air.

When your out shopping having dinner out with friends down the pub think of us few who what you take as daily tasks to us they are a luxury and you daily takes to us are a gift that we some days will only dream off.

Now I will go watch the cloak and write my new story and let the day fade away hoping tomorrow that I will once more get to face the world. Maybe it will happen maybe it wont but then I know in a few weeks my daily work begins again and I know each morning the freedom and pleasure of work will be here again.

Work to me isn’t work its freedom and feeling normal now the money means nothing but the feeling of being useful and needed that is what work is and I thank those who give me that chance with my every waking breath.

Thous of you who hate work just think what it would be like if you were like me and the others like me and then think of what it would mean without your work. Then ask your self if your work really that bad.

Have agood day and hopefully the next blog will be more of a merrier note.

 

Another painful day

Friday morning been awake for hours yet again. As has become the norm now I wake racked with pain I know its something I have to learn to live with but I hate it so much. I take my painkillers and the rest of the pile of pills I have to take just to live in this torment for a bit longer.

I visited my brothers grave this week as well sat there by the stone thinking soon this will be my eternal rest to. Funny thing is the thought no longer worries or scares me. He died at eighteen a terrific motor cycle accident that pushed his skull into his brain. Since this all began the seizures the head aches the voice buried deep in the back of my mind . Then the pain I endure every waking moment I have asked myself many times over the years is this all worth it.

Am I staying around for me or is it as I think is the case for those that i’d leave behind. Defiantly not staying around for my parents or brothers and sisters to be honest the only reason I have to put up with this suffering is for my children and grand children.

This year the system has stolen what self respect I had left me thousands in debt and caused me to fight like never before. The personal independent system has no heart to those like you and me. What kicked me worse is when I was told if I was a drunk or an addict I would been entitled and would gone through without this fight. Is it truly fair that those that choose to inflict things on them selves get rewarded yet those of us who only fault is that we have had this burden of disability forced on us are left to suffer like third class in society.

I have to ask myself are we the escape goat’s for the powers at be because we seen as the ones who will fight back the least. Well I got news for those who think that, its our time coming and we will no longer stay in the shadows and accept the injustice that is cast upon us. There comes a point in all society’s that the downcast has enough. Until now we accepted everything but now the revolution starts and we take our place and fight to gain what was stolen from us.

They once locked us in asylums castrated sterilised us, so we couldn’t bear children and through out history we have been punished for something that was not our fault. Now they promised care in the community and everything, but if you open your ears and eyes to there true words they want to use us as a way to recover money once squandered. They get paid so much and waist so much yet we are the ones who must suffer for this. I say no more let them use part of there wealth gained through others suffering and let us live like we deserve.

LET THEM ALL KNOW WE HAVE A VOICE AND WILL USE IT.

Time to give back

I was one of the lucky ones I wasn’t born disabled and had a long life before it crept up on me through a mugging then joint degeneration I have been left as I am now a disabled person.

Through my time as a disabled person I have faced so many adversity the governmental system. Then the able body persons who try not to see me or admit I now exist even friends or so called friends I known all my life dispersed or forgot I exist.

 

me

This is me as I am now or

jas

We are human we have feelings and we do feel the pain of rejection or adversity.

I have now decided its time to help others like me and work on giving back to the world.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/insanitybooks/insanity-books-lilith

Using this project I will be trying to set up a diversity group to aid other disabled writers, students and those in academia. Its time that we were seen as equals and no longer as the third class in society.

We have a voice and its now time to be heard….  

Night’s of Torment

Its 4.45 am and I am wide awake, I did sleep but then from my gentle slumber it came the agonising pain shooting through my body the cold sweet and beads running down my face. Then as I move my leg for the first time after waking, The crack from the joints echo round the room.

I bite my lip and suppress the tears from the agony waking causes me to endure. Then as I move the crack comes from my back and more pain shoots through me like a thousand red hot needles inserting them selves in my lower body. Please I beg silently to someone who is not there let it stop but in reality it will not.

Every morning I wake praying this will be a good day but do good days ever come now or is this the eternity I now have to face. the chair is my warden and my prison as I know it is the only way I can cope with the pain is to be sat there at the worlds mercy and prey that one day it will all end and the pain will finally fade.

I love life and my family but each morning I think one day the bliss of eternal sleep will finally be coming my way. I have taken my pain killers and wait for them to ease my tormentors grip.

To all of you who think life so bad just look at the chair that is our prisons and then ask your self is things that bad for you and then look at us.

To us a day with minor pain is a excellent day and do we say out loud no we keep it inside for us to know and the world at large can rest easy thinking all is well.