Unknown Realities

After my blog yesterday I started thinking about what the real difference between able bodied and the disabled. The perception of reality is the main difference we seem to see the world in two different ways.  Be fore I was disabled I remember to me everything in the world seemed to bother me where would I work what would I do what did I want.

But since I have become disabled everything changed and I can honestly say I am happier which seems weird because I have so much less to be happy with. But what made me this way is the fact that all my old realities were torn down. As my body failed and I had to rewrite who I was all my old worries seemed trivial.

I fight the pain every morning from when I wake I fight to get from A to B even  the tiniest thing like getting up a set of stairs is now a challenge. Do not get me wrong I as many other disabled persons do get dark days and they are darker than you can imagine. Its when the darkness grips your very soul and drags you to a place where no light can go. most of us can drag our selves out of this and back to true reality but sadly there will always be some who cant those empty faces you see in nursing homes or the asylums wards. We would not be human if we didnt have chance for darkness to creep in.

The main difference is the way we perceive others and how they effect us. Before this i used to want to be liked I wanted women to fall for me and for me to be able to get anything I want. But now I have watched loads of so called friends vanish from my life the women who once enjoyed flirting round me has vanished even the big job offers have faded into history. Any one who says being disabled wont change anything must be able bodied or talking rubbish.

But it changes things for the better not the worse. The friends that stay are your real Friends the women who want you to date them are the real thing. If they can look past the disability and see whats inside then they are real. Job offers are the same as well if they willing to employ you as a disabled person then they are taking the risk on you and I found every employee I have had since disability has been good to me.

Your asking your self what is the reason of my blog today its simple the fact is being disabled is not a bad thing it gives you a new perception and all the illusions that the able body persons have we do not. We get to see things in a new way our wants and desires change.

A chair is a physical prison but mentally it can be a unknown or unwanted new form of freedom.

So If your Newly disabled just remember this isn’t the end of your life its the beginning of a new ans possibly better life.

 

Sundays blues

I do not know what you normal person’s do on your Sunday but here an brief description of my usual Sunday. Wake up at six am pain running through my body soaked with sweat where the pain had gripped me in my sleep to the point it wakes me up this time.

I roll over to my bed side cabinet praying i remembered to put pain killers there and they not empty. Yes there their at last I know can get a light relief from the pain. I call out for help waking my son knowing how unfair it is but what choice have I I know without his help I am trapped there and helpless. Image forty five and helpless. It only seems like yesterday I was backpacking across the alp or watching the sun rise in different desserts and now I cant even get out of bed on my own each day.

It seems so unfair that after all I done in my life i am now sentenced to this. Watching my own body be my prison and wither and fade on me. Trapping who i am inside. Each day I wonder how much more I will lose will my hands arms even neck join the fight against me will I eventually be only a brain in a shell.

My son get my outfit ready then help me till i am washed and dressed then theirs the dreaded stairs to face. It was only yesterday that I laid at the bottom of them unconscious for three hours. I decided to take them alone and as no one was here to watch me the worse decided to happen. How can I have anyone here the system took away the way I got support and as yet its still to return.

i look at the scars on my hands from other accidents over the last year all this because of that person who for a job lied and left me and those I care about to suffer. I know I should not but I so wish one day that person is the same as me and get treated as she treats us.

Slowly he guides me down stair watches my every jerky movement ready to step in like he was watching a child take his first step[ fifteen minutes to walk down one flight of stairs. Perspiration running down my face every step like fire running through my body.  Its times like this I am thankful for my wheel chair so at least in that I am safe and pain is bearable.

Some look at a wheel chair and see disability and hard ship  to be honest when i look at one I see hope and freedom. My wheel chair is not an adversity it is a godsend and frees me from this curse of these four walls.

Today sons at work and I am alone apart from my pups my drinks on the table and the remote and my keyboard accessible. I know apart from these words on this screen I am alone and the world moves on and i am trapped in this prison. My chair sat there unable to move it to leave the house so here i must stay till some kind soul grants me the freedom to go out side and feel the wind and air.

When your out shopping having dinner out with friends down the pub think of us few who what you take as daily tasks to us they are a luxury and you daily takes to us are a gift that we some days will only dream off.

Now I will go watch the cloak and write my new story and let the day fade away hoping tomorrow that I will once more get to face the world. Maybe it will happen maybe it wont but then I know in a few weeks my daily work begins again and I know each morning the freedom and pleasure of work will be here again.

Work to me isn’t work its freedom and feeling normal now the money means nothing but the feeling of being useful and needed that is what work is and I thank those who give me that chance with my every waking breath.

Thous of you who hate work just think what it would be like if you were like me and the others like me and then think of what it would mean without your work. Then ask your self if your work really that bad.

Have agood day and hopefully the next blog will be more of a merrier note.

 

Another painful day

Friday morning been awake for hours yet again. As has become the norm now I wake racked with pain I know its something I have to learn to live with but I hate it so much. I take my painkillers and the rest of the pile of pills I have to take just to live in this torment for a bit longer.

I visited my brothers grave this week as well sat there by the stone thinking soon this will be my eternal rest to. Funny thing is the thought no longer worries or scares me. He died at eighteen a terrific motor cycle accident that pushed his skull into his brain. Since this all began the seizures the head aches the voice buried deep in the back of my mind . Then the pain I endure every waking moment I have asked myself many times over the years is this all worth it.

Am I staying around for me or is it as I think is the case for those that i’d leave behind. Defiantly not staying around for my parents or brothers and sisters to be honest the only reason I have to put up with this suffering is for my children and grand children.

This year the system has stolen what self respect I had left me thousands in debt and caused me to fight like never before. The personal independent system has no heart to those like you and me. What kicked me worse is when I was told if I was a drunk or an addict I would been entitled and would gone through without this fight. Is it truly fair that those that choose to inflict things on them selves get rewarded yet those of us who only fault is that we have had this burden of disability forced on us are left to suffer like third class in society.

I have to ask myself are we the escape goat’s for the powers at be because we seen as the ones who will fight back the least. Well I got news for those who think that, its our time coming and we will no longer stay in the shadows and accept the injustice that is cast upon us. There comes a point in all society’s that the downcast has enough. Until now we accepted everything but now the revolution starts and we take our place and fight to gain what was stolen from us.

They once locked us in asylums castrated sterilised us, so we couldn’t bear children and through out history we have been punished for something that was not our fault. Now they promised care in the community and everything, but if you open your ears and eyes to there true words they want to use us as a way to recover money once squandered. They get paid so much and waist so much yet we are the ones who must suffer for this. I say no more let them use part of there wealth gained through others suffering and let us live like we deserve.

LET THEM ALL KNOW WE HAVE A VOICE AND WILL USE IT.

Time to give back

I was one of the lucky ones I wasn’t born disabled and had a long life before it crept up on me through a mugging then joint degeneration I have been left as I am now a disabled person.

Through my time as a disabled person I have faced so many adversity the governmental system. Then the able body persons who try not to see me or admit I now exist even friends or so called friends I known all my life dispersed or forgot I exist.

 

me

This is me as I am now or

jas

We are human we have feelings and we do feel the pain of rejection or adversity.

I have now decided its time to help others like me and work on giving back to the world.

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/insanitybooks/insanity-books-lilith

Using this project I will be trying to set up a diversity group to aid other disabled writers, students and those in academia. Its time that we were seen as equals and no longer as the third class in society.

We have a voice and its now time to be heard….  

Life is easy Writing is not

I still remember the day I finished my first book or thought I did I was so proud of my self and thought I was the bee’s knees. I send it to publisher and editor and got rejection after rejection. It was like a great cloud had encompassed my life.

Then it happened finally I had a bit of advice from a publisher that finally told me where I was going wrong. It was not my story’s it was the fact they even though good story’s were to rough and needed polishing to make them marketable.

Why didnt any of the previous publishing houses tell me this I do not know maybe they just couldn’t be bothered. So armed with this knowledge I went online searching and through trial and error finaly found an editor. Dont get me wrong before finding my editor I tried automated editors and everything and wasted a fortune.

But then I discovered my editor who would become my publisher eventually as well Michelle gent of gingernut books. Most editors edit your books and then there work done but Michelle actually spent time working with me guiding me and showing me what I needed to do to become an author.

I learnt the ropes and the lessons to learn is a long one. To write a book is easy but to sale then that’s a different story.  Now I have never been one for reviews or advertising that im the bees knees as I like my books to sale them selves. Insanity though crud in writing did actually fund me till I worte my second book. Both of these book will be out real soon on audio books to.

You can have the best book in the world but if the cover is not right then you failed before you start. Lesson I learned the hard way and freinds and family designing covers you think good im sorry wont sell the books. Investing in a good cover designer though not cheep im sorry is a must. Debbie from the cover collection is the designer I found that designs all my covers. If you want the right cover you have to work with your cover designer not against them they know there job and a good cover designer like debbie can work miracles.

second thing is know your editor and listen don’t think you know there job they get paid to know what there doing and arguing or disagreeing with them I am sorry ether losses you an editor or dooms you to not sale.

So now you have your cover and your edited manuscript are you there no far from it. Whats the point of having a book if you got no way of selling it. My first attempt was to self publish through createaspace and amazon. I found that my sales were zero this was when me and editor had a good talk and after reading my second manuscript gingernut agreed to publish my second book and this was when my sales began.

My books are now on Itunes play and amazon and loads of other media outlets. Although im not famous enough to be on the stores shelves my book can now be ordered through many high street books shops. I know after next couple of books then the shelves will see my books. Golden rule patients patients patients Rome was not built in a day nor will an author success. My books might not yet make me a fortune but I do earn enough to fund new titles and have money to buy food.

The other thing to remember is visibility sales make you and you books as visible as possible twitter google and facebook are ideal tools for this but remember its a double edged sword. What can help you can destroy you think before you can post.

They rest is history and learnt as you go on…..