Unknown Realities

After my blog yesterday I started thinking about what the real difference between able bodied and the disabled. The perception of reality is the main difference we seem to see the world in two different ways.  Be fore I was disabled I remember to me everything in the world seemed to bother me where would I work what would I do what did I want.

But since I have become disabled everything changed and I can honestly say I am happier which seems weird because I have so much less to be happy with. But what made me this way is the fact that all my old realities were torn down. As my body failed and I had to rewrite who I was all my old worries seemed trivial.

I fight the pain every morning from when I wake I fight to get from A to B even  the tiniest thing like getting up a set of stairs is now a challenge. Do not get me wrong I as many other disabled persons do get dark days and they are darker than you can imagine. Its when the darkness grips your very soul and drags you to a place where no light can go. most of us can drag our selves out of this and back to true reality but sadly there will always be some who cant those empty faces you see in nursing homes or the asylums wards. We would not be human if we didnt have chance for darkness to creep in.

The main difference is the way we perceive others and how they effect us. Before this i used to want to be liked I wanted women to fall for me and for me to be able to get anything I want. But now I have watched loads of so called friends vanish from my life the women who once enjoyed flirting round me has vanished even the big job offers have faded into history. Any one who says being disabled wont change anything must be able bodied or talking rubbish.

But it changes things for the better not the worse. The friends that stay are your real Friends the women who want you to date them are the real thing. If they can look past the disability and see whats inside then they are real. Job offers are the same as well if they willing to employ you as a disabled person then they are taking the risk on you and I found every employee I have had since disability has been good to me.

Your asking your self what is the reason of my blog today its simple the fact is being disabled is not a bad thing it gives you a new perception and all the illusions that the able body persons have we do not. We get to see things in a new way our wants and desires change.

A chair is a physical prison but mentally it can be a unknown or unwanted new form of freedom.

So If your Newly disabled just remember this isn’t the end of your life its the beginning of a new ans possibly better life.



Do I Matter

Its 540 in the morning Im woken yet again by the pain and sitting here thinking about things. I found yesterday was an interesting day I sat in Nero’s the coffee house in reading sipping my coffee when I noticed a few customers I looked at avoiding my look. I have seen this a few times since my legs started to fail but never really paid to much attention to it. But I sit here now asking myself am I a freak or deformed have I got a dreaded disease that they scared of catching or my be they think i am a serial killer and hunting them.

The truth is none of the above I am a happy well adjusted male or as well adjusted as anyone can be. The problem does not lay with me but rather there perception of me. You hear the saying disabled are normal as well ascare in the community and all the spin. But then it was only 50 years or so ago we were locked in hospitals, homes or hidden from sight and us having kids was an unthinkable sin.

Can I or any one really be surprised that even in this day and age that the old discrimination and feelings are still there like they are wired into our genetics. I wheel down the road in my scooter and chair and still get kids calling names out the car windows or on the street and do there parents correct them no. Some times you actually here the parents laughing at kids comments.

I am a published author I served a short term in the British military and I have a reputable job. Before the legs started to fail I even worked in a hospital helping others and now i find that none of this matters and a minor infliction denotes who I am.

Is it not time that the world see past all this preconception and let past views die and realise that us disabled members of society do lead productive lives. Judges politicians and many other walks of life we strive to lead lives same as able bodied in fact in america they once had a president who was in a chair.

Criminals who commit crimes have an easier life and accepted more into society than us. Yet we have done no wrong other than ending up this way and for most of us it not our fault its fate playing its game on us.

So I say to all able bodied persons think and see the human who is really there because one day it could be you in the chair or lose part of you and how would you want to be seen.

See whats in front of your eyes not what society has programmed into you…


Sundays blues

I do not know what you normal person’s do on your Sunday but here an brief description of my usual Sunday. Wake up at six am pain running through my body soaked with sweat where the pain had gripped me in my sleep to the point it wakes me up this time.

I roll over to my bed side cabinet praying i remembered to put pain killers there and they not empty. Yes there their at last I know can get a light relief from the pain. I call out for help waking my son knowing how unfair it is but what choice have I I know without his help I am trapped there and helpless. Image forty five and helpless. It only seems like yesterday I was backpacking across the alp or watching the sun rise in different desserts and now I cant even get out of bed on my own each day.

It seems so unfair that after all I done in my life i am now sentenced to this. Watching my own body be my prison and wither and fade on me. Trapping who i am inside. Each day I wonder how much more I will lose will my hands arms even neck join the fight against me will I eventually be only a brain in a shell.

My son get my outfit ready then help me till i am washed and dressed then theirs the dreaded stairs to face. It was only yesterday that I laid at the bottom of them unconscious for three hours. I decided to take them alone and as no one was here to watch me the worse decided to happen. How can I have anyone here the system took away the way I got support and as yet its still to return.

i look at the scars on my hands from other accidents over the last year all this because of that person who for a job lied and left me and those I care about to suffer. I know I should not but I so wish one day that person is the same as me and get treated as she treats us.

Slowly he guides me down stair watches my every jerky movement ready to step in like he was watching a child take his first step[ fifteen minutes to walk down one flight of stairs. Perspiration running down my face every step like fire running through my body.  Its times like this I am thankful for my wheel chair so at least in that I am safe and pain is bearable.

Some look at a wheel chair and see disability and hard ship  to be honest when i look at one I see hope and freedom. My wheel chair is not an adversity it is a godsend and frees me from this curse of these four walls.

Today sons at work and I am alone apart from my pups my drinks on the table and the remote and my keyboard accessible. I know apart from these words on this screen I am alone and the world moves on and i am trapped in this prison. My chair sat there unable to move it to leave the house so here i must stay till some kind soul grants me the freedom to go out side and feel the wind and air.

When your out shopping having dinner out with friends down the pub think of us few who what you take as daily tasks to us they are a luxury and you daily takes to us are a gift that we some days will only dream off.

Now I will go watch the cloak and write my new story and let the day fade away hoping tomorrow that I will once more get to face the world. Maybe it will happen maybe it wont but then I know in a few weeks my daily work begins again and I know each morning the freedom and pleasure of work will be here again.

Work to me isn’t work its freedom and feeling normal now the money means nothing but the feeling of being useful and needed that is what work is and I thank those who give me that chance with my every waking breath.

Thous of you who hate work just think what it would be like if you were like me and the others like me and then think of what it would mean without your work. Then ask your self if your work really that bad.

Have agood day and hopefully the next blog will be more of a merrier note.


Another painful day

Friday morning been awake for hours yet again. As has become the norm now I wake racked with pain I know its something I have to learn to live with but I hate it so much. I take my painkillers and the rest of the pile of pills I have to take just to live in this torment for a bit longer.

I visited my brothers grave this week as well sat there by the stone thinking soon this will be my eternal rest to. Funny thing is the thought no longer worries or scares me. He died at eighteen a terrific motor cycle accident that pushed his skull into his brain. Since this all began the seizures the head aches the voice buried deep in the back of my mind . Then the pain I endure every waking moment I have asked myself many times over the years is this all worth it.

Am I staying around for me or is it as I think is the case for those that i’d leave behind. Defiantly not staying around for my parents or brothers and sisters to be honest the only reason I have to put up with this suffering is for my children and grand children.

This year the system has stolen what self respect I had left me thousands in debt and caused me to fight like never before. The personal independent system has no heart to those like you and me. What kicked me worse is when I was told if I was a drunk or an addict I would been entitled and would gone through without this fight. Is it truly fair that those that choose to inflict things on them selves get rewarded yet those of us who only fault is that we have had this burden of disability forced on us are left to suffer like third class in society.

I have to ask myself are we the escape goat’s for the powers at be because we seen as the ones who will fight back the least. Well I got news for those who think that, its our time coming and we will no longer stay in the shadows and accept the injustice that is cast upon us. There comes a point in all society’s that the downcast has enough. Until now we accepted everything but now the revolution starts and we take our place and fight to gain what was stolen from us.

They once locked us in asylums castrated sterilised us, so we couldn’t bear children and through out history we have been punished for something that was not our fault. Now they promised care in the community and everything, but if you open your ears and eyes to there true words they want to use us as a way to recover money once squandered. They get paid so much and waist so much yet we are the ones who must suffer for this. I say no more let them use part of there wealth gained through others suffering and let us live like we deserve.


The new world

First of all I should apologize for being off line for a few days. My living room had a much needed make over so all my computer equipment ended up buried in the spare room under loads of boxes.

But I got to say I feel so sorry for the young they are in this new world of so many marvels and have lost so much. As you all know Im in my 40’s so i saw video appear Cd’s DVDs computers and consoles. Before my generation they didn’t exist.


This is question I have asked my self a lot latterly as I sat and worked on my books. I was sat on the bus one day two women were talking about a book they read. A child butted in and asked ‘Whats a book’. The women graciously explained and the child then sat and thought then replied ‘Id rather see the film’.

Are we as a society killing the written word will books end up as a thing of myth and fiction. I myself have a massive dvd and blue ray collection over 4000 titles but then I don’t watch normal television as I find it boring as nothing ever seems to be on worth watching.

But I still rather immerse my self in a book and lose my self in the world of imagination. Well I do have one hundred and forty books lol. I still remember as a child sitting on my bed with my new book excited to start reading it. Putting my drink and a snack ready before i started to I wouldn’t have to put it down to soon. I used to read for hours savoring every word. Sadly I got one of those memory’s that if I read a book it takes forever for me to forget it. I would have loved to be able to forget the story so I could read over and over and still get the same joy.

Children now no longer tend to enjoy books and as such the art of reading and writing is in decline. It is slowly creating a new two step society those who learnt and read and those who sat played games. If you work in a burger joint or a menial job playing games and not learning the pleasure of the written word may be ok.

But for thous who really love life and want to experience everything the word is a key to the world. I know loads who don’t even know where a library is let alone how to check out a book. This is a crime and all parents should at least make sure their kids know where and what a library is. There are more forms of child cruelty than just violent behavior which causes physical harm. What about the mental harm you are doing not letting your child achieve his or hers full potential. Whether intentionally or not in your kindness in giving your child the computer game and films he or she wants or even modern music. WE are all killing of necessary skills for the future that could mean the difference between being comfy or low income for the rest of there lives.

Love can be the greatest enemy of all…….


With life spans increasing and doctors finding cures to keep us running longer. 30 years a go twenty was a sign of you getting old. Women wanted to be married and settled with kids by then. Men decided time they put teenage things away and 60 was seen as the end of a life span.

But now from an article I recently read women are having kids latter settling down later a The same can be said about us men we to are hiding away from the dreaded married life and kids longer. Can you imagine at fifty five kicking a ball around with a teenager son. I myself decided in my thirty’s that it Im to old for more kids. Ok originally i decided when I was thirty but one indiscretion and the target moved. Isn’t that’s life irony nothing goes to plan.

Looking back to my teenage year and all the goals I set myself can I say I really achieved any of my life goals if any. Well mostly I can apart form maybe a date with a famous star but then some goals are not achievable for the normal man.

But is it not the main goal to find someone to love you and kids you know who grow up to be fine humans. Money inanimate objects and all the precious things you plan to do but if don’t achieve that’s life but family that a goal worth achieving.

But at the end of the day isn’t the only achievement that matters is to find love if you do that what else matters.