RAINY DAY BLUES

I woke this morning as the agony racked my bones and in a pre painkiller condition I laid there not daring to move my legs as I reached out to take my pain killers. I know some of you against the continual use of pain killer from the private emails I know you think there addictive or long term is harmful. Try waking in agony every day of your life then see if side effects matter to you.

Out side I could hear the rain beating against the window and all I could think of was oh god rain again. To an able bodied person rain is not to much of an issue but to us wheel chair users who are no longer allowed to drive major issues.

I had to go grab some shopping which I did and most of you think well use the bus WRONG the busses only have one space for a wheel chair and you can wait six or seven busses to get on. All through the journey you get mothers winging because other mothers couldn’t get on with buggy’s because of you. Is that our fault NO.

But rainy days because of the one chair policy forget the busses. Then you have taxis that charge double for wheel chairs but if an able body person takes one its half the price. Is this exploit the ones who got no choice. Town and back in a taxi is around thirty six bound able bodied can get both ways for less than fifteen. So we ruled out busses and taxis are expensive.

Im lucky I have a mobility scooter that is road worth but in the bad rain it not to safe but what other choice Have I if I tried wheel in the three miles as I have done a few times before I would end up more soaked to the bone and catch another bug that if like last time is to go by can be near fatal.

Water proofing on scooter heavy jacket for top half and off we go I thought about water proofs but really trying get them on and of my legs is a near impossible act unless someone there to help. Does anyone fancy having sit in water proofs all day.

So now i am stuck 20 min drive in the pouring rain yes a pleasant journey and fun but should I have had to risk the wet and cold. If the buss company made room for one or two more chairs then six or seven bus wait wouldn’t of been necessary.

You speak to bus company and they say oh you can take scooter on bus Yea Right what a laugh. Nearly every driver I have tried too get on there bus with a scooter says sorry I dont allow scooter you point out to them reading busses says you can the reply is until i am told its a no. You tell reading busses and they say they will sort it and do they ever sort it no they dont.

Its nearly as bad as reading borough council and pavements last year I came out chair because bad pavement reported it and it was sorry nothing we can do we dont own land yet through research I have found they have the ability to enforce safety but they choose not to because of the cost. They rather let us get injured or worse then spend a few pound to enforce the rules. I got an able bodied person to look at the pavement in question on basinstoke road out side a shopping present and they were shocked put holes that a chair would get stuck in everywhere so much for disable safety.

Some of you may thing all I do is complain but the truth is I only give the truth and I hate the thought of other suffering for no need. It seems like money is important and as I put in the past we are third class so why do we matter. But on a plus I got praise Morrison and sainsburys stores they are totally helpful and go above and beyond to help disabled. If they see you trying get something of shelf they will stop where there doing and come and help even offer to help pack your bags. Not like asda who’s staff look at you and carry on chatting or act like you dont exist or dirt on their feet. Asda has the worse customer care for the disabled I know in reading followed by tesco who I can honestly say both lost my custom. Claus orison in reading town centre the assistants are fantastic but the male supervisor well lets just say the other week I saw him reduce a girl sales assistant to tears. I have never seen such a display of bad staff management in my life as well as there lay out in the store in a scooter or chair things are lain out and many times I get stuck in a isle or cant get what I want because supervisors hasn’t but things in a way so that the disable cant get past. Ironically the female supervisors in the store are helpful friendly and try to do there best for you the complete reverse of the males.

So I am left to ask is this a male thing and guess what that male supervisor in the store looks like he wasn’t punished and was still there going on about his usual business. So much for their abuse policies as most places I know reducing a member of staff to tears would be an instant dismiss offence in that store it seems a let forgive and forget policy. If your disabled and got no choice shop there but deal with the female staff members or should I say older female members as the young ones can be to busy flirting with the males in the store of gossiping.

So that my blog for today and I will be back again latter or tomorrow have a good day……

Sundays blues

I do not know what you normal person’s do on your Sunday but here an brief description of my usual Sunday. Wake up at six am pain running through my body soaked with sweat where the pain had gripped me in my sleep to the point it wakes me up this time.

I roll over to my bed side cabinet praying i remembered to put pain killers there and they not empty. Yes there their at last I know can get a light relief from the pain. I call out for help waking my son knowing how unfair it is but what choice have I I know without his help I am trapped there and helpless. Image forty five and helpless. It only seems like yesterday I was backpacking across the alp or watching the sun rise in different desserts and now I cant even get out of bed on my own each day.

It seems so unfair that after all I done in my life i am now sentenced to this. Watching my own body be my prison and wither and fade on me. Trapping who i am inside. Each day I wonder how much more I will lose will my hands arms even neck join the fight against me will I eventually be only a brain in a shell.

My son get my outfit ready then help me till i am washed and dressed then theirs the dreaded stairs to face. It was only yesterday that I laid at the bottom of them unconscious for three hours. I decided to take them alone and as no one was here to watch me the worse decided to happen. How can I have anyone here the system took away the way I got support and as yet its still to return.

i look at the scars on my hands from other accidents over the last year all this because of that person who for a job lied and left me and those I care about to suffer. I know I should not but I so wish one day that person is the same as me and get treated as she treats us.

Slowly he guides me down stair watches my every jerky movement ready to step in like he was watching a child take his first step[ fifteen minutes to walk down one flight of stairs. Perspiration running down my face every step like fire running through my body.  Its times like this I am thankful for my wheel chair so at least in that I am safe and pain is bearable.

Some look at a wheel chair and see disability and hard ship  to be honest when i look at one I see hope and freedom. My wheel chair is not an adversity it is a godsend and frees me from this curse of these four walls.

Today sons at work and I am alone apart from my pups my drinks on the table and the remote and my keyboard accessible. I know apart from these words on this screen I am alone and the world moves on and i am trapped in this prison. My chair sat there unable to move it to leave the house so here i must stay till some kind soul grants me the freedom to go out side and feel the wind and air.

When your out shopping having dinner out with friends down the pub think of us few who what you take as daily tasks to us they are a luxury and you daily takes to us are a gift that we some days will only dream off.

Now I will go watch the cloak and write my new story and let the day fade away hoping tomorrow that I will once more get to face the world. Maybe it will happen maybe it wont but then I know in a few weeks my daily work begins again and I know each morning the freedom and pleasure of work will be here again.

Work to me isn’t work its freedom and feeling normal now the money means nothing but the feeling of being useful and needed that is what work is and I thank those who give me that chance with my every waking breath.

Thous of you who hate work just think what it would be like if you were like me and the others like me and then think of what it would mean without your work. Then ask your self if your work really that bad.

Have agood day and hopefully the next blog will be more of a merrier note.

 

Another painful day

Friday morning been awake for hours yet again. As has become the norm now I wake racked with pain I know its something I have to learn to live with but I hate it so much. I take my painkillers and the rest of the pile of pills I have to take just to live in this torment for a bit longer.

I visited my brothers grave this week as well sat there by the stone thinking soon this will be my eternal rest to. Funny thing is the thought no longer worries or scares me. He died at eighteen a terrific motor cycle accident that pushed his skull into his brain. Since this all began the seizures the head aches the voice buried deep in the back of my mind . Then the pain I endure every waking moment I have asked myself many times over the years is this all worth it.

Am I staying around for me or is it as I think is the case for those that i’d leave behind. Defiantly not staying around for my parents or brothers and sisters to be honest the only reason I have to put up with this suffering is for my children and grand children.

This year the system has stolen what self respect I had left me thousands in debt and caused me to fight like never before. The personal independent system has no heart to those like you and me. What kicked me worse is when I was told if I was a drunk or an addict I would been entitled and would gone through without this fight. Is it truly fair that those that choose to inflict things on them selves get rewarded yet those of us who only fault is that we have had this burden of disability forced on us are left to suffer like third class in society.

I have to ask myself are we the escape goat’s for the powers at be because we seen as the ones who will fight back the least. Well I got news for those who think that, its our time coming and we will no longer stay in the shadows and accept the injustice that is cast upon us. There comes a point in all society’s that the downcast has enough. Until now we accepted everything but now the revolution starts and we take our place and fight to gain what was stolen from us.

They once locked us in asylums castrated sterilised us, so we couldn’t bear children and through out history we have been punished for something that was not our fault. Now they promised care in the community and everything, but if you open your ears and eyes to there true words they want to use us as a way to recover money once squandered. They get paid so much and waist so much yet we are the ones who must suffer for this. I say no more let them use part of there wealth gained through others suffering and let us live like we deserve.

LET THEM ALL KNOW WE HAVE A VOICE AND WILL USE IT.

Third Class because disabled

In a day and age where the world should have advanced we are sadly lacking. Most disabled persons I know hold down jobs and do everything to pay there own way as much as they can.  Sure because of the added expense we do need pip but then over the years most of us had payed in before we became disabled or our families have.

But to my point of todays blog, I was out shopping today and I noticed how two kids were pointing at me. There parents saw them pointing looked at me then quickly pulled the kids away. Am I am I deformed or a monster no. Yet that man and women avoided eye contact and couldn’t of moved away faster.  Maybe they would been happier if it was the good old days where family’s hid the disabled or they were locked away in hospitals or asylums.

I as well as others tried to serve my country I worked hard all my life. Yet we have comments from abled body persons thinking we don’t hear like dole plungers, social security burden or best one is scrounger. I as so many others unlike a lot of able body persons like to work. I work in an education establishment and am a writer and published author.

Yet to the government system I and many others have had to fight for the little help we deserve. We get made to feel like cheats liars. Personal independent allowance is an uphill battle first we have to attend atop for an assessment where others as well as my self find that they do incorrect evaluations which the dap use to assessed your claim.

Do they care about the financial hardship caused as they politely put not there problem. you lose working tax rent community charge benefit free prescriptions. Your bus pass goes and if scooters on finance or on mobility scheme you lose the to. Not wonder suicides has happened by some disabled during this process.

November 2016 it all started were in July 2017 and finally had my tribunal which I was pleasantly surprised hoe polite and caring the judge doctor and disabled person was they  listened read the evidence and judged fairly. Unlike atom they listened. Atos did my assessment December I sent the travel claim in twice since yet to hear complained about the untruths in there reports and guess what no records of the complaint.

So to cut the story short the system is now geared not to help us disabled but instead to reduced claims by 500,000 leaving the disabled in some situations where they can have there lives devastated and not worrying about the effects on disability or health the government seems to have decided to recover there losses from those who find it hardest to fight back.

I SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH its time we told the powers that us disabled have a voice and we will no longer be walked over. Its time we the disabled got the compassionate and caring attitude that in public the powers at be promises instead of as it is at the moment the knife in the back we all have been getting.

Truth hurts dont it

First of all to my readers an apology for not blogging for day or two I was not to well. Joys of passing forty I suppose, Jokes aside in five weeks I go in for an operation and it has led to me doing some thinking about my life and those that have been in it.

The first thing I realized that childhood friends are a myth most as they get older jealousy or i am better than you creeps in and all mostly go there own ways. Maybe one good friend remains in my case it more than maybe but anyway. For my memoirs books I have been reading all my diary’s through the years and have realized that some who claimed and acted as friends were just manipulators. I ask myself why didn’t I see it then how come it took reading my diary’s nearly 25 years latter to understand it.

Sadly this is case in most things we don’t see the truth till latter on in life. my brother James had a good friend and though the friend claimed friendship he would have the greatest pleasure in trying sleep with any girl we as a group had and then pass it off as a game. But then he always did think he was gods gift to women not.But he succeeded once or twice in stabbing my brother in his back. I wont name names yet but you know who you are. This person will be central in part of one of my books to come so the world can see what I have now figured out. Will it all be fact or fiction I leave it for you to decide

But then I should not of been surprised seeing my dads best friend did same to him. My dad spent years thinking his youngest daughter was his only to learn from my books that its his best friend child ops a bad on my part.

The truth about me is I have lied cheated and even been in a asylum after a head injury when I was younger but sleep with friends girlfriend sorry one line I would never cross. Though I have slept with a married women but I did love her dearly. In my defense we were not friends and the way he treated his wife he didn’t deserve her.

To all thous that stab there friends in the back think twice as one day you might be part of a book to… In my memoirs books I keep no secrets and tell everything. The books to come will leave some white faced and will start things that are going to last years. But the truth must come out as its the truth that sets all free